Post by Madaraki on Sept 7, 2015 21:00:17 GMT -6
Okay, so I had this idea at work and ...I just ran with it.
I'm going to assume readers are immediately familiar with SNL's "Celebrity Jeopardy" skit. Also, knowledge of what went on in the Inheritors RPs is kind of essential for some of the humor here.
(The lights go up on a game show studio, revealing a well-lit room with a grid on one side, four podiums on the other, and a single podium in between. At the single podium is a white robot in a gray suit who appears to have a moustache glued onto her face.)
Vortex: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy: Inheritor Edition. I’m Vortex Trebek, and I hate everything. We’ve had...quite the odd contest going on this evening and I will not be surprised if our contestants end up arrested on a public intoxication charge after the show.
Let’s take a look at the board.
In first place, with -$3.14 dollars -I have no idea how that happened- is Brant Finnegan.
(Cut to Fiona wearing blue jeans, boots, a tank top, and half a dozen earrings.)
“Brant”: *hits the buzzer* I’ll take Innuendos about Hammers for $2,000.
Vortex: We haven’t started playing yet. In second place with -$33,000 dollars is Kuro Kage, who has just about given our censoring board a heart attack with her language during the first round.
(Cut to Kraven wearing a black wig and lots of black clothes.)
“Kuro”: H-hello ****ers. I’m ****ing ready vor zis. ....****.
Vortex: Right. Next we have Xrea Feldiras in last place with -$55,000,000, as she has refused to shut up about her recent marriage.
(Cut to Mark Allen, in light blue facepaint and a blue wig.)
“Xrea”: You didn’t attend my wedding Mr. Trebek, so I need to tell you all about it.
Vortex: I didn’t attend because you didn’t invite me.
“Xrea”: ...Oh.
Vortex: And finally...*sighs* I am not entirely sure what laws of time and space were violated for this to occur, but we have a rare fourth contestant...Sean Connery.
(Cut to Chronos in a bald wig with a gray beard.)
“Sean”: And I violated your mother. Trebek.
Vortex: Please Sean, it’s too early for this.
“Sean”: That’s what she said, too.
Vortex: Enough. Anyway, let’s continue with Double Jeopardy. The categories are...
Potent Potables. The Color Orange. Milk and Cookies. In this category, every answer is either "milk" or "cookies". Pussycats. Blink Your Eyes. The First US President, and Potpourri.
Xrea, you are in last place so the board is yours.
“Xrea”: I’ll take Flat-Chested Fit Women for $400.
Vortex: For the fiftieth time, that is not a category. Brant? Why don’t you pick instead.
“Brant". Yeah I’d like some pussy for free.
“Sean”: *glances over at “Brant”.* Boy, you might go far in this world.
Vortex:...One of you is more than enough, Connery. Pussycats for $200. The answer is..."this is the animal that the cat known as Puss in Boots was.”.
“Kuro:” *buzzes* Who is Antonio Banderas?
Vortex: Wrong.
“Kuro”: Don’t you ****ing lie to me. I’ve vatched ze ****ing Shrek movies. Puss in Boots vas Antonio ****ing Banderas.
Vortex: *shakes head* No.
“Kuro”: ****** *** ******** ******.
Vortex: Kuro, you’re on a time out. Go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done.
"Xrea": I watched the Shrek movies w-
Vortex: With your wife, yes. I guessed as much. Pick a category we actually have please.
"Xrea": ...Orange for $600.
Vortex: Okay, and remember, the answer to every question here is "orange". When I stop talking, just say "orange". "This is the color of a citrus fruit known as an Orange.".
*Ten seconds of total silence follow*
Vortex: ...I despise all of you.
"Sean": Vortex, might I pick the next category?
Vortex: Against my better judgment, yes.
"Sean": Milk and Cookies for $800.
Vortex: Okay. You usually serve milk with this.
"Sean": *buzzes* My penis.
Vortex: That is disgusting.
"Sean": Really? That's not what your mother thought this morning.
Vortex: *sighs* Xrea, why don't you pick next?
"Xrea": I'll take The First US President for $1000.
Vortex: Right. The answer is "He was the first US President."
"Brant" *buzzes* Yeah it was me.
Vortex: I don't believe you were the first US President, Brant.
"Brant": I'm first in everything. *grins*
"Xrea": *buzzes* Who is Riel?
Vortex: Yes, she's first in your life. We get that. Shut up.
"Kuro: Vortex...may I please pick ze next category? I promise not to ****ing swear anymore.
Vortex: And your promise just proved to be worth nothing. Tell you what; let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy. Your category is "Your Favorite Movie”. Just write the title of your favorite movie. There’s no way you can get this wrong.
(Lights dim as theme music plays as people begin writing, eventually the music fades and the lights turn up.)
Vortex: Right then. Let’s see how bad my headache’s going to be tonight. Brant, your answer was....
(Brant’s board is completely censored.)
Vortex: Right, your favorite movie was a porno. I can’t say I’m all that surprised. And Kuro you...seem to have shot your podium to pieces. Spectacular. We’ll be billing you for this mess.
"Kuro”: *out of character, wig askew, cowering in the corner* ****.
Vortex: Let’s go on to Xrea, who’s grinning like a loon here...because she’s written absolutely nothing and spent the entire time staring at an album of wedding photos. Lovely if infuriating. And, for the sake of tradition, we go next to Sean Connery...
"Sean”: Hello...Trebek.
Vortex: Yes Sean, hi. Let’s see what you’ve got. It can’t possibly be worse than Brant choosing a porno.
(Podium screen has “Highlander II: The Quickening” written on it.)
Vortex: And it can be worse than pornography. Right then. You are all reprehensible examples of life. Goodnight.
(Applause as lights dim and scene fades out.)
I'm going to assume readers are immediately familiar with SNL's "Celebrity Jeopardy" skit. Also, knowledge of what went on in the Inheritors RPs is kind of essential for some of the humor here.
(The lights go up on a game show studio, revealing a well-lit room with a grid on one side, four podiums on the other, and a single podium in between. At the single podium is a white robot in a gray suit who appears to have a moustache glued onto her face.)
Vortex: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy: Inheritor Edition. I’m Vortex Trebek, and I hate everything. We’ve had...quite the odd contest going on this evening and I will not be surprised if our contestants end up arrested on a public intoxication charge after the show.
Let’s take a look at the board.
In first place, with -$3.14 dollars -I have no idea how that happened- is Brant Finnegan.
(Cut to Fiona wearing blue jeans, boots, a tank top, and half a dozen earrings.)
“Brant”: *hits the buzzer* I’ll take Innuendos about Hammers for $2,000.
Vortex: We haven’t started playing yet. In second place with -$33,000 dollars is Kuro Kage, who has just about given our censoring board a heart attack with her language during the first round.
(Cut to Kraven wearing a black wig and lots of black clothes.)
“Kuro”: H-hello ****ers. I’m ****ing ready vor zis. ....****.
Vortex: Right. Next we have Xrea Feldiras in last place with -$55,000,000, as she has refused to shut up about her recent marriage.
(Cut to Mark Allen, in light blue facepaint and a blue wig.)
“Xrea”: You didn’t attend my wedding Mr. Trebek, so I need to tell you all about it.
Vortex: I didn’t attend because you didn’t invite me.
“Xrea”: ...Oh.
Vortex: And finally...*sighs* I am not entirely sure what laws of time and space were violated for this to occur, but we have a rare fourth contestant...Sean Connery.
(Cut to Chronos in a bald wig with a gray beard.)
“Sean”: And I violated your mother. Trebek.
Vortex: Please Sean, it’s too early for this.
“Sean”: That’s what she said, too.
Vortex: Enough. Anyway, let’s continue with Double Jeopardy. The categories are...
Potent Potables. The Color Orange. Milk and Cookies. In this category, every answer is either "milk" or "cookies". Pussycats. Blink Your Eyes. The First US President, and Potpourri.
Xrea, you are in last place so the board is yours.
“Xrea”: I’ll take Flat-Chested Fit Women for $400.
Vortex: For the fiftieth time, that is not a category. Brant? Why don’t you pick instead.
“Brant". Yeah I’d like some pussy for free.
“Sean”: *glances over at “Brant”.* Boy, you might go far in this world.
Vortex:...One of you is more than enough, Connery. Pussycats for $200. The answer is..."this is the animal that the cat known as Puss in Boots was.”.
“Kuro:” *buzzes* Who is Antonio Banderas?
Vortex: Wrong.
“Kuro”: Don’t you ****ing lie to me. I’ve vatched ze ****ing Shrek movies. Puss in Boots vas Antonio ****ing Banderas.
Vortex: *shakes head* No.
“Kuro”: ****** *** ******** ******.
Vortex: Kuro, you’re on a time out. Go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done.
"Xrea": I watched the Shrek movies w-
Vortex: With your wife, yes. I guessed as much. Pick a category we actually have please.
"Xrea": ...Orange for $600.
Vortex: Okay, and remember, the answer to every question here is "orange". When I stop talking, just say "orange". "This is the color of a citrus fruit known as an Orange.".
*Ten seconds of total silence follow*
Vortex: ...I despise all of you.
"Sean": Vortex, might I pick the next category?
Vortex: Against my better judgment, yes.
"Sean": Milk and Cookies for $800.
Vortex: Okay. You usually serve milk with this.
"Sean": *buzzes* My penis.
Vortex: That is disgusting.
"Sean": Really? That's not what your mother thought this morning.
Vortex: *sighs* Xrea, why don't you pick next?
"Xrea": I'll take The First US President for $1000.
Vortex: Right. The answer is "He was the first US President."
"Brant" *buzzes* Yeah it was me.
Vortex: I don't believe you were the first US President, Brant.
"Brant": I'm first in everything. *grins*
"Xrea": *buzzes* Who is Riel?
Vortex: Yes, she's first in your life. We get that. Shut up.
"Kuro: Vortex...may I please pick ze next category? I promise not to ****ing swear anymore.
Vortex: And your promise just proved to be worth nothing. Tell you what; let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy. Your category is "Your Favorite Movie”. Just write the title of your favorite movie. There’s no way you can get this wrong.
(Lights dim as theme music plays as people begin writing, eventually the music fades and the lights turn up.)
Vortex: Right then. Let’s see how bad my headache’s going to be tonight. Brant, your answer was....
(Brant’s board is completely censored.)
Vortex: Right, your favorite movie was a porno. I can’t say I’m all that surprised. And Kuro you...seem to have shot your podium to pieces. Spectacular. We’ll be billing you for this mess.
"Kuro”: *out of character, wig askew, cowering in the corner* ****.
Vortex: Let’s go on to Xrea, who’s grinning like a loon here...because she’s written absolutely nothing and spent the entire time staring at an album of wedding photos. Lovely if infuriating. And, for the sake of tradition, we go next to Sean Connery...
"Sean”: Hello...Trebek.
Vortex: Yes Sean, hi. Let’s see what you’ve got. It can’t possibly be worse than Brant choosing a porno.
(Podium screen has “Highlander II: The Quickening” written on it.)
Vortex: And it can be worse than pornography. Right then. You are all reprehensible examples of life. Goodnight.
(Applause as lights dim and scene fades out.)